IN THIS LIFE we talk a lot on the phone about meeting halfway between San Fransisco and Baltimore.
IN ANOTHER LIFE we shack up in a hotel room on the Kansas/Nebraska border, spend three entire days with the curtains drawn and the lights off and your mouth on my mouth. We drink and sleep and fuck until we are both sore. I can’t think of anything more important than the taste of you. It almost doesn’t matter that this is Kansas. It almost doesn’t matter that we are holed up in some hotel room like people on the run. It almost doesn’t matter that it is only temporary.
IN THIS LIFE we both have dreams about airports and in mine, I am always running towards you; and in yours, you are always waiting.
IN ANOTHER LIFE we get an airport scene. Brief, and technically outside, but still an airport scene. I am on a return trip from Australia and instead of having a layover at SFO before heading back to BWI, I just stay in California. I collect my baggage from customs and skip the last leg of my trip home. You pick me up at the arrivals area. You wear that red, plaid scarf. It feels right, being in your passenger seat. It reminds me of being on the phone with you, all those long calls you’d make from the road. And we are so hesitant to touch each other. Worried about breaking that bubble that has existed for so long. I don’t know if I want your hand in my hand or your fingers in my mouth. It is so hard to figure out where to start.
IN THIS LIFE you move to London for work. We stay up nights talking about how it can’t end like this, how the goal of a long distance relationship isn’t adding more distance. I book a ticket to come see you. You stand me up in a coffee shop. You say it’s too hard. You won’t tell me what is too hard.
IN ANOTHER LIFE we sit across from each other in a Costa in London. And I know, I know, there are so many small coffee shops and cute cafes in London but I don’t know my way around that well and I pick something easy. You have coffee. I have chai tea. We spend a lot of time fiddling awkwardly with our cups. Sugar packets. Napkins. Anything to not talk. It is hard to sit there across from you after six years and not know the way this conversation is going to go. I want to climb across the table and bury my face in your neck. I settle for small talk. How’s the job? How’s the commute? How’s the flat? It is stiff at first and I can’t stop touching my hair. I want to be perfect. I want to be the way you’ve built me up to be in your head. When you call me Swiss Miss, I just look at you and start laughing.
IN THIS LIFE when you find out that you’re sick, you wait for a long time to tell me. You wait too long. We waste so much time. We spend too many days apart. I don’t tell you that I love you enough. I tell you a lot, but not enough. You are trying to do the right thing when you cut me out. You are trying to cause me as little pain as possible. You are sparing me long nights spent at the hospital and months of crying and worry. You say it will be easier this way but it is not easier.
IN ANOTHER LIFE I wake up in your bed. It’s early. You are trying to get up without waking me. You smile apologetically and tell me to go back to sleep. I beg you to stay in bed with me. There’s something that just feels so good about knowing you’re near me. Something safe. Something comforting. You lay back down, let me put my head on your chest. Neither of us fall back asleep.
IN ANOTHER LIFE we argue over the grocery list and your hips are always in close proximity to my hips.
IN ANOTHER LIFE you don’t take my choice away from me.
the difference between you and me is that I free my time to talk to you while you talk to me in your free time.
college
people are entering and exiting my life in all of the right ways. life is beautiful, i am growing.
i am making new friends and i have my *first* boyfriend. i am happy. i feel like the best version of myself i have ever been
i am majoring in women and gender studies. the plants i brought to school are still very alive. i am finding good music. i am eating well. i am infinite and unstoppable and capable
xoxo
Actual good first-time college student advice:
- Wear jeans/pants that “breathe” and bring a sweater, even if it’s scorching hot out, until you know which building blasts the AC to 60 degrees F and which feels like a sauna
- Backpacks with thick straps are your friend! Messenger bags are cool and all but if you’re commuting with a lot of stuff, symmetrically styled backpacks are better for your back
- You are your own person and you can walk out whenever you need to or want to, so long as you’re not disrupting the class. Meaning you can go to the bathroom without permission, take a breather if you’re anxious, answer an important phone call, etc.
- If you don’t like the class on the first day, if you can- DROP THAT CLASS AND TAKE ANOTHER ONE! It’ll only get worse from there!
- If you can, take a class outside your major; it’s a good break from your expected studies.
- You are in charge of your schedule. Your adviser and guidance counselor is there to ‘advise and guide’ but if you don’t like certain classes and you can substitute for others, that’s your choice.
- Consequently, if you are changing anything drastic in your plan, talk with your adviser and instructors.
- Pay attention to your credit hours and grades. Never leave this to the last week of school, you will be sorry and stressed beyond belief!
- Unless it’s a lab book or otherwise specified, go to the class for a week or so before buying an expensive textbook. Some classes, while having it on their required list, do not actually use the textbook a whole lot and you might find some of it scanned online. Rent if you can or buy used online (schools actually don’t give discounts). Use your best judgement on what you think you need.
- Tell the people who go up to you selling or advertising things you are not interested in that you are in a rush to class and don’t have time to listen to them. It’s less rude and they’ll leave you alone.
- The smaller the class, the better it is to have some sort of acquaintanceship with a couple classmates. They might save your ass if you are absent one day or need to study. And talking with them makes the time go by faster without it being so insufferable.
- You don’t need to join a club or sport, but internships are cool and useful!
- If you can afford it, take a day off once or twice each semester if you’re too exhausted. Just be aware of what you missed and if it was worth missing!
- Your health is the most important, this goes for mental health too!! Note: College-age/upper teens is when mental disorders like depression and anxiety are most commonly diagnosed. Most schools have therapy services, especially during exam time. Look into it if you need to!
- Communicate with your professor if you are having trouble with something. Anything.
- Eat and stay hydrated. Bring a water bottle and snack to class.
- All-nighters will happen but never go over 36 hours without sleep.
- It’s going to be hard and there will be times you might think about giving up. This WILL happen. You just have to make sure what you’re doing isn’t making you absolutely miserable and/or there is something rewarding and positive to look forward to at the end!
I did none of this and it bit me in the ass every time so this is EXCELLENT ADVICE.
ADDITIONAL ADVICE
Don’t let a mental health day turn into a mental health week because you will be so screwed.
Pay attention to the syllabus and do not lose it. A lot of professors put all of the assignment due dates in there and ONLY in there.
If your school has blackboard or moodle etc. CHECK IT. a lot of professors will only post certain info there and not talk about it in class
Check your student email account weekly. A lot of it will be unimportant junk but sometimes it’s the only way professors will communicate.
Check your student email multiple times DAILY.
concept: i spend all morning planting flowers and spend all afternoon watching them grow. i realise i haven’t been afraid in a long, long time
I don’t get why people hate immigrants so much… Like they’re literally just… People… From another location….
(via cruelintxntions)
